Not Quite Center

reinvention

2011-02-22T14:09:00.014-07:00

I am who I am, who I am
Well, who am I?
Requesting some enlightenment...
Could I have been anyone other than me?
-song "Dancing Nancies" Dave Matthews Band

Moving to a city far away, where you know no one, and more importantly, where no one knows you, provokes the fantasy that you have a chance to start over. You can be whoever you want. Someone totally different, if that strikes your fancy... the person that after years of some reflection, some regrets, and a whole lotta "I wish I would have done this differently" now has a chance to reinvent oneself and right the wrongs.

Don't get me wrong, I like me. I liked me before too. But it was kind of exciting a few months back when we first moved away from years of rootedness, to think that I don't really know anyone here, and they certainly don't know me, so I can be a little more extroverted this time around. And, I can be sweeter, less rough around the edges. I can come across more upbeat and syrupy... less sarcastic and cynical. I will, however, keep my sense of humor and my passion and love for... well the things I'm passion about and love.

New people, new culture, new climate, new everything. I was wide-eyed and thrilled to enter the next chapter for our family. I think I ran on adrenalin for several weeks. It was happy adrenalin as I, we, vigorously pursued the beautiful place where God brought us, the excessively friendly culture of this city, the new things to do, and the new home to build. It was easy to be upbeat, positive, extroverted, engaging.

Then after a handful of months, it started to drive me crazy that the people drove 5-10 miles under the speed limit as a general rule. The independent spirit here and strong ideas on what is right and wrong imposed on others... nevermind that sometimes its not black and white, people! Well, you see where I'm going here... the honeymoon wore off and my real self came bubbling to the surface. You see, there was the first time here that, just to prove a point, I wanted to rear end the person who pulled out in front of me as they continued going 20-miles per hour though I was going 40. I mean, that would be the natural consequence, right? And then there was the time when someone responded full of judgment, "Oh really? That place has ridiculously high prices..." when I told them where I grocery shopped. I wanted to say, "I shop at XYZ because I prefer my produce un-rotted."

I'm all for reinventing and bettering oneself. Throughout our lives, I believe that God shapes and molds our hearts, making them more righteous and holy. I really believe that. But it is also true that it really didn't take all that long for me to realize that I am who I am and moving to a new city didn't change anything except my longitude.

saturday morning

2011-02-19T10:25:00.002-07:00

il dolce far niente

2011-02-18T17:10:00.006-07:00

On this 30-something degree, sunny Montana evening, I'm sitting in front of my fireplace with a picture window to my right. I can see piles of melting snow out the window and just beyond that a very old farmhouse that remained as the new neighborhood development grew up around it. I hear cartoons in the background and my almost 2-year old daughter begging for chocolate. I don't know where she gets that from. My husband and I are planning on watching a movie on this Friday night after the kids are in bed. This is the first weekend in 4 or 5 weeks that we have the whole weekend to ourselves. Nothing scheduled. We can do whatever we want. And I think we won't do much. I think we are going to observe the sweetness of doing nothing.

back soon!

2010-10-30T13:57:00.001-06:00

My lovely husband just got me a new computer for my birthday so I plan to be up and running soon again! Looking forward to continuing our story...

from there to here

2010-08-18T13:32:00.007-06:00

When I reflect on my life as a married woman, I realize my husband and I have lived quite the life of provision from the Lord. In fact, I clearly see that the only way we were able to survive mentally, physically and financially throughout the last eight years, starting careers, changing careers, going to seminary, having kids, buying a house just to name a few, was solely upon the provision of the God we worship. Without Him giving us our every need, we wouldn't be where we are today.

It is an understatement to say our lives look very different now than what they did in the beginning. So where did we start? I was married to a man who wasn't sure if it was his lot in life to have kids, he felt an interest in theology but DID NOT want to pastor. Neither of us wanted to leave our beloved city, St. Louis, we were both moving forward in our careers, me as a caseworker and he as a financial guy. We lived in a two-bedroom apartment near family and the city, we were growing our community as a married couple, making friends and becoming active together in our church.

Where are we now? I'm a homemaker, raising my kids, doing what I can to serve in our church alongside my husband who is now a pastor of spiritual formation at a fast-growing country church in a small mountain city in Montana. We've gone from city slickers to small town folk, from a billion stores with infinite choices promising to fulfill any want or whim at your fingertips to a handful of local ones, from nice Midwesterners to bend-over-backwards, "whatever you need I can help" Westerners.

Though we got here to our surprise, it wasn't without our God shaping and molding our hearts, igniting our passions and fleshing out our gifts, leading us and teaching us, pruning and preparing us for the great adventure that lay ahead.

Though the path of Lord leading the church to us started in February of this year, our path of being led to them started much earlier...

trying to get back

2010-07-31T18:48:00.004-06:00

Well, we made it. We've been living in the mountains for over a month. How I've longed many times to get back to blogging, but we are trying to figure out how to make my therapeutic personal time via blogging work. You see, we have the computer upstairs and I haven't figured out a way to blog during dear daughter's nap time without waking her. That's when I usually blogged before and it worked beautifully - the computer was far from her room before. We're trying to make something work. Hopefully I'll be back in full force soon. Just wanted to pop in and let you know what's going on. I have these grandiose ideas of writing out the whole story of how we ended up here... over the course of several weeks, of course. I hope those ideas become reality before I forget the whole story! Oh... and if you have any interest in commenting, I invite anyone who desires to do so. You just click on the "comments" section and you can leave one anonymously or you can click on "name/url" and put your name on it. I'm way out here in the mountains alone with the grizzlies and my husband and kids - words from other humans are highly encouraged! :-)

planning to return soon....

update

2010-05-19T08:04:00.011-06:00

This is the road to the church where my husband will serve as director of ministry. You can't see the church from this picture, but it is right underneath the horseshoe break in the very cloudy morning...
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I am still here! I feel so cliche to say "we've been so busy," but its just the truth. We are trying to get our home sale-ready, we have been trying to iron out specific dates of moving, which include a long distance truck ride and plane tickets. We were looking for a home to move into, what moving company to go with, how to get the boxes we need to move, how to do the little projects around here to leave the place in good shape for the next person, my husband is graduating seminary this week, we are trying to spend time with friends and family as much as possible before we leave, we are grieving and celebrating simultaneously, AND on top of all that, we are just trying to figure out how to live normally in a very un-normal circumstance. I am not complaining at all, but its a lot of stuff, wouldn't you agree?!

So, my dear readers, I will be around as much as possible to write here, because I have missed those times of outlet and I look forward to their regular return. But for now, I will be more sporadic. Just know that I will pop in as I can, it may not be as regular as before, but know I will excitedly and more regularly return about mid June to early July. Please keep checking in - your time spent reading my jabber means more to me than you know! And, I can't wait to unfold and share the story of how God has done a mighty act in our family, launching us into the wonderful adventure of His calling upon our lives.

"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." - Romans 11:29

Happy Mama's Day, Mama!

2010-05-06T11:14:00.013-06:00

"Your love has changed my life." or "I can't live without your wisdom, so thank you for being you." or "You bring the light of life and love to all whom you encounter." While those things are certainly true of my mother, I cannot bring myself to purchase a card packed with such generalized cheese. There's so much about my mom that a card could never articulate. So I am dedicating this post to my wonderful mother. Let me tell you about her.

She is a strong woman, valuing truth and love. She is selfless and giving. She is long suffering with hurting people and has a gift of bringing healing to the soul. She is a nurturing comrade to my father. A caring and thoughtful in-law to my husband. A patient, loving teacher to my children. And she is all those things and more to me.

I love that when I look into my daughter's beautiful eyes and face, I see my mother. I love when I hear my son speak, I hear the teaching and influence of my mother. I love that she has left a legacy in me that I cherish and guard and I embrace the opportunity to pass it along to my children.

We're going to be moving far away soon. It will only change how easily we can live daily life among each other, as her influence not only runs through my veins but also runs deep into our family that adores her and calls her blessed. I love you, mom! We all love you! Happy Mother's Day. I'm thankful God gave me you.

my wonderful son and my beautiful mom

hang with me!

2010-04-29T11:38:00.008-06:00

I'm sorry its been so long since I've written. But let me show you why. Its because of this---------->

<----------AND, because if this.

We're heading WEST! More to come, I promise!

a street called memory lane

2010-04-13T19:52:00.006-06:00

There's this street I drive on sometimes. I started frequenting this route when I moved back home from college - a lost, jobless soul, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Driving through its loveliness was a distraction from the questions I had about life swirling in my head at the time. Still today I drive it because even though it's sometimes out of my way, it's full of pretty scenery and I associate a lot of good memories with it. When I'm heading north on this street, there is a cemetery to my right with lush, green grass, flowers and beautiful mature trees as far as you can see. To my left are nice homes with landscaped lawns. My grandpa and grandma have burial plots at that particular cemetery and they like to tell us that when they die their ghosts will be sitting on the tombstone waving at us as we drive by. Even though, thankfully, they are still alive and kicking, I always smile to myself, thinking about them when I drive by... and I always will.

A few years ago I was on this road and noticed an older man, feeble, thin and lanky, with white hair and a white car, sitting on a lawn chair near the road next to one of the mature trees. At his feet was a fresh and full arrangement of flowers. Ever day after that when I drove past this cemetery I would see this man. Rain or shine. Hot or cold. He was always appropriately prepared. Eventually through the years there would be times I'd drive by and wouldn't see him. But it wasn't very long and I'd see that white car backed up to a spot near the road, the man on the lawn chair with fresh flowers at his feet. I have often thought about how cool it would be to stop my car, park near his, get out and ask him about her. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that I hadn't seen the man in a very long time. I had this sinking feeling because seeing him always brought me a certain peace and joy imagining the life story and love that sat and looked on at the spot of his deceased. Somehow seeing him made me reflect on my own life, thinking about getting old, wanting to enter my twilight years with a good life story where I made a difference in this world, impacting the next. I wondered what it would have been like to talk to this man and tell him how seeing him sit at the grave site impacted me over the years.

On today, this 80 degree, cloudless, beautiful spring day, with trees blooming in abundance all around, I was driving down this same road... now with my two children in the backseat chattering and laughing. There he sat. His car was backed up in the usual spot, flowers at his feet, looking onto his beloved. I was surprised at my own excitement in seeing him. But there he sat. My son startled me out of my thoughts. "Mommy, why are you smiling?" I paused while trying to come up with the words to answer him. "Oh... I just saw an old friend that I haven't seen in awhile, honey."

Oh how that road has been a comfort to me many times in my life. How that road has seen me through huge life changes, observing tears and laughter as I followed its twists and turns. And how finding that man alongside that road has inspired me to live a better life... maybe someday I'll be brave enough to let him know.

I'm so glad this isn't the weekend

2010-04-05T18:57:00.008-06:00

I had been looking forward to this past long holiday weekend for a few weeks. Kenny was going to take Thursday and Friday off and then, of course, the Easter weekend. We had all kinds of really fun things planned. Well.......

What this past long weekend was supposed to look like:

Thursday:

go to husband's hometown and get my hair cut at a place my sister-in-laws and nieces go to (all their haircuts are always so cute and no one ever cuts my hair the way I like it here so I thought I'd try)
Kenny gets his annual eye exam from the doctor in his hometown and he was to go to the annual appointment
spend the day in the country at husband's hometown, spend time with family, enjoy, come home

Friday:

go to mall for fun spring shopping for kids' clothes and us
have nice, easy dinner out with the kids
finish Easter shopping
enjoy a quite evening with husband relaxing either watching a movie or catching up on DVR shows

Saturday:

hang out with the kids and husband
maybe go to a park, fly a kite with Ben
have lovely friends over in the evening and enjoy a meal together and hang out

Sunday:

go to church
have Easter egg hunt for the kids
go to my parents' for family (extended included) Easter dinner

Monday - life back to normal after a wonderful, long, relaxing holiday weekend with the family.

What this past long weekend actually looked like:

Thursday:

getting ready to leave the house for the 1 hour drive to husband's hometown and Ben pukes all over the living room floor
Kenny and I debate whether or not this is a quick one-time puke or if he's sick
Oh yeah, he's sick (after the 4th puke we call Kenny's mom to cancel our visit)
I cancel my hair appointment, Kenny cancels his eye doctor appointment
we scramble to reschedule our appointments - get something down for the following Tuesday
I have to make an unplanned trip to the store for diapers and almost got into a car accident, as someone ran a light and almost nailed me from the side. I don't know how they missed me - close call, had to be angels covering me on that one
Jenna is starting to get fussy, Ben's feeling a little better

Friday:

Ben is better - no puking
Jenna has a faucet for a nose and is fussy
Ben's nose starts to run like crazy later in the day
Kenny says, "I think I'm starting not to feel good"
We're outside for a little while with the wind blowing and allergens swirling, my eyes start to itch
I decide to go to the store to get stuff for our dinner guests so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow but on the way to the store my eye feels weird. I look at it in the mirror in the car and see my sclera is swelling so I freak out and think about going to urgent care
I go back home and conduct a frantic search on the internet for what the heck is going on with my eye and how to I fix it
We get the swelling to go down and I calm
the kids are fussing at the same time and constantly. Kenny and I are wiping noses and trying to stand up under the insanity
we don't leave the house - too much snot
At night Ben has major difficulty sleeping (he's up late) and Jenna is crying every so often
Kenny has to spend part of the night in Ben's room and we all get a terrible night's sleep

Saturday

Ben's cranky, Jenna's cranky and Kenny is starting to feel absolutely terrible
Kenny and I discuss whether or not we should change our dinner plans - would we make them sick or wouldn't we is the question... heck yeah they'd get sick, we regrettably have to cancel
I call my parents begging to come over to escape the sick house madness
I go to my parents for awhile and then finish Easter shopping all by myself
I get back home into utter sickness and fussiness, we eat, everyone gets ready for bed and turns in early except for me
I sit on the couch and think how bad this long weekend has sucked, especially given all the fun things we were supposed to have going on

Sunday

despite sickness we get up and go to church with my grandparents (beautiful service)
we put Jenna (who is still fussy and feeling terrible) to bed right away after the service
Ben goes on a mini Easter egg hunt
we go to my parents' for family Easter dinner and we pray we don't infect everyone there
after a lovely day we get back home and eventually get the kids in bed
Jenna is up off and on fussing again through the night
Ben is up constantly complaining about his ear - in the wee hours of the morning Kenny drives to an urgent care with Ben because he is crying inconsolably throughout the night. Urgent care is closed, we debate about an emergency room visit and decide to give Ben Tylenol, try to put him to bed, and pray. He eventually falls asleep and we all get a few hours of sleep
Kenny is feeling very sick and awful

Monday

Kenny wakes up feeling and looking absolutely terrible and calls in sick to work
I call the pediatrician and take Ben in - he has a "big, bad ear infection," as the doctor put it
Jenna's nose is still runny but she's not as fussy
we endure the day - though as the day goes on everyone is getting a little better - we get everyone in bed early, everyone sleeps through the night except Kenny who is hacking away and goes in to sleep on the couch so I can get sleep

Tuesday everyone is feeling better but not perfect. We finally got to go to my husband's hometown and had a nice day. Now its Wednesday and this is the first time I've had any sense of normalcy in 6 1/2 days. I never thought I'd be so excited for a long holiday weekend to end. I lived to tell that we all survived okay and I am so glad its not the weekend!

making mundane beautiful

2010-03-23T10:37:00.002-06:00

Recently I was doing the things I normally do on any given weekday morning. Suddenly joy overwhelmed me and stopped me in my tracks. I was having a "moment." I was in the midst of a daily occurrence, experiencing a fulfilling joy at that very snapshot. I realized that though the days can be long, there are things that happen on a consistent basis and when I finally stopped to pay attention, I saw they were moments I treasured. Here are a few of them:

We don't need an alarm clock. The kids wake us up and my little morning glory is usually the one to do it. I love when I am groggy, get out of bed and the first thing I see is my daughter standing up in her bed waving at me with a beautiful, bright smile.

I love the way the light hits our bedroom in the morning when I open the curtains for the day. I consequently love walking by the room all day long.

I love that first cup of coffee in the morning.

I love when we are done with breakfast and I get on the floor with my kids and we all play together. I love how they always manage to make me and each other laugh.

I love the conversations I have with my son when its just the two of us, one-on-one.

I love the time of day when Jenna is down for her afternoon nap and Ben is in his room for "downtime" and I get to sit down, (many times for the first time all day) pick up a book, get caught up on email, or just stare out the window and daydream.

I love the anticipation of daddy coming home from work and how excited both kids (and I) are when he walks through the door.

I love when I am in the kitchen cooking dinner and can hear the kids laughing and playing with their daddy.

I love when after dinner I get to join them.

I love when we put the kiddos down for bed and my husband and I get to sit down and connect, talking about our days and anything else that strikes our fancy. Just the two of us.

Somehow my head gets all screwed up thinking certain things are going to make me happy that never do. I get so tired of the influx of bigger, better, more messages. I'm just thankful for that "moment." Otherwise I might not have stopped, looked around, and savored the beauty that is right before me every single day.

pensive

2010-03-17T13:43:00.012-06:00

I will probably refer to this post a lot in the future because of God's continued work in the hearts of my husband and I and beyond. Our hearts feel things but our eyes are still veiled. I routinely try to wrap my mind around what exactly is going on but I cannot do so with the entirety that I desire. What I can say is this, I've found myself deep in thought a lot lately over what life would look like if everything as we now know it were different. What if, for the cause of Christ and living out the Gospel, we have to give up the daily comforts of our current lives? What about our community? What about our families? Our home?

Today I was reading to my son out of his children's Bible. I read the stories in order so I never know from day to day what story will be next. The reading for today had this to say:

"Jesus said, 'Coming home to God is as wonderful as finding a treasure! You might have to dig before you find it. You might have to look before you see it. You might even have to give up everything you have to get it. But being where God is - being in his kingdom - that's more important than anything else in all the world. It's worth anything you have to give up!'"

50 is the new 75

2010-03-10T14:11:00.004-07:00

This weekend was wonderful. I know I seem obsessed with weather, but everyone around these parts would agree its been a very long, cold, dark winter. Sunday afternoon we packed up the family, went out to lunch and then for a long drive through some Ozark foothills. Even though everything was still pretty brown and... well... dead, the sky was a rich baby blue with cottony clouds enveloping the sun from time to time. It was great. It was still kinda cold - but lest you think it kept people inside, the walking/riding trails were packed full. Our neighbors were outside talking and laughing with each other, and I saw a couple kite fliers and ball players. However, it has always struck me as funny, and Sunday was no different, that in the spring when it hits about 50ish outside as Sunday was, people break out the bikes, baseballs and gloves, shorts, and walk, run, or ride outside like its 75 degrees. But when its about 50ish in the fall, people are breaking out their sweaters and jackets or just stay inside while the friendly neighborhood chatter dulls to a murmur.

But here we are, in the 50-somethings pretty consistently now and I can turn down the heater, open the front door, inhale the fresh air without forming ice crystals in my nostrils, and enjoy longer hours of daylight. I think we can safely say we made it over the hurdle of winter. YAY!

ch ch ch ch changes

2010-03-02T12:14:00.004-07:00

There is something around the corner, I can just feel it. I have butterflies in my stomach when I think about it. The page is getting ready to turn and I have no idea what new plot line will emerge in the next chapter. And so I sit. And watch. And wait.

It feels like God is fixing our footsteps in a direction but everything is so cloudy still that I can't really see what is going on. It feels like the spiritual realm is hard at work around us and our hearts are stirring within us. It feels like God is going to make a move in our lives, I just don't know where, how, what or when. I want it to happen quickly, but these things take time.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord when he delights in his way."
Psalm 37:23

Lord, help this family to delight in your way and give us ears to hear.

more to come...

can you hear me singing?

2010-02-22T13:56:00.012-07:00

I'm so glad to be writing in front of a window that has sunshine pouring through instead of gloom funk. So far the 5-day forecast says its gonna be in the 40's with lots-o-shine and this, mama likey. I can't believe the difference the sun has made. I have had the energy to be productive the past few days and for that I am incredibly grateful. I even made dinner last night. So what if it was frozen leftovers from a couple of weeks ago? A meal not involving take-out is a good one these days!

In all actuality, I love cooking. I especially love cooking when there is fresh, locally grown produce involved. I really got into that kind of meal planning this past year because it tasted so much better and we had so much fun going to farmer's markets or the actual farms where the food was grown. Not only did everything taste better, but its so much healthier.

My interest in healthier living (to the point where it actually changed how I, and therefore we, lived) began about a year ago. My beautiful daughter's birthday (which we just celebrated) really is the marker for all our changes. It all started with a Jillian Michaels book and ended with me using a crystal rock for deodorant and drinking raw milk! There is oh-so much more, and I look forward to sharing my story as time goes on. But for now, I want to share an incredibly refreshing salad that I found in one of my new cookbooks. Just as an aside, I started using a lot of recipes out of a vegan cookbook, not because we don't eat meat (believe me, my boys would NEVER let that happen!), but because I realized we eat too much meat. A couple weeks ago I made a completely vegan meal for my family and everyone loved it. I also made it for friends we had over another night and they loved it too - so its unanimous!

This salad was one of the recipes I used in our completely vegan meal. I highly recommend it for a time when you are in the mood for a refreshing, salad with not-so-common vegetables. It also keeps for a couple of days - even with the dressing on it. I was a little concerned about the taste of a salad with only lemon juice squeezed on top and olive oil drizzled, but believe me, it really pulls all the flavors together and makes it taste light and refreshing. Try it and let me know what you think.

I'll give you the measurements listed in the book, but I used what I thought seemed right or to taste for us. By the way, this is from "Vegan Express" by Nava Atlas.

--4-6 ounces tender greens (baby greens, arugula, baby spinach, watercress, or a mixture - I used a baby greens mix with some extra arugula thrown in)
--1 cup green sprouts (such as sweet pea shoots or broccoli sprouts - Trader Joes has really good sweet pea shoots... I have never had them and they are so yummy in this salad)
--1 granny smith apple, diced
--1/2 medium daikon radish, sliced (this was something I never tried and I loved the flavor)
--2 large stalks celery or bok choy, sliced (I used both)
--1/2 medium cucumber, unpeeled (I used hothouse cucumber)
--olive oil or flaxseed oil (I used extra virgin olive oil)
--fresh squeezed lemon juice
--1/4 cup toasted pumpkin seeds (the recipe says optional, but having these in this salad gave the perfect flavor contrast to everything else going on in the salad)

Combine all ingredients, toss and serve.

Enjoy!

glorious ruin

2010-02-13T10:06:00.026-07:00

Okay, I’ll say it. This week has been a hard week. It takes a lot for me to admit that because I work hard at keeping things, at minimum, status quo. But nonetheless I have felt, at various times throughout the week, how its looked outside. Its been cold and cloudy with traces of snow on the ground which isn’t even pretty anymore because you can see the ugly brown, dead grass and mud overwhelming the blanket of snow. Why has it been tough? I spent a lot of time thinking about it and discussing this with my husband, who also has had a touch of the ickiness. Our conclusion is it probably is a culmination of things; prolonged days of clouds and cold doesn’t bode well for Midwesterners who are used to crisp, sunny, cloudless winter days with a few snow bursts to accent the beauty of wintertime. This year it hasn’t been so. Lots and lots of dark, cloudy days that make you want to do nothing but stay in bed, pull the sheets over your head and sleep until tomorrow, hoping the next day will be better than the last. Also, we as a family are in a constant state of limbo because my husband just graduated from grad school and is looking for a job which could possibly take us away from our hometown. We feel like we have one foot planted and another poised for action elsewhere… we just don’t know where. This effects looking for preschools, how invested we get in doing home improvement, how much time we invest cultivating new friendships, taking on new projects, and the list goes on.

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I think there’s something innate in all of us that longs for better days, even if we’ve had the blessing of constant superior ones. We long for the better, the more beautiful, and I think that’s part of divine design. I think we are created with a longing for what we were really created for. Perfection - God style. There’s hope that one day this will be so, and that’s what we have to hang on to while down here in the muck and mire. We are created with a foot planted here and a foot poised toward action elsewhere and we won't fully be satisfied until we are where we were truly meant to be... dwelling with our Creator.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"
Revelation 21:3,4

Until then, I want to focus on the glory God has graciously housed alongside us while we completely turned our will against him. The things that reflect who he is... like the snowbirds that are slowly reappearing around here giving us a hope for new life in the spring. Like the precious kiss of a big brother on the head of a baby sister who just bumped her head on the couch. Like the scent of turning pages of a great book that you just can't put down. Like a father gathering his children when they run to him to feel his loving arms wrap around them in safety as he walks through the front door. Our hope is this, things as they are now, are not how they will be.

"And he who was seated on the throne said,

‘Behold, I am making all things new.’”

-Revelation 21:5

celebration time!

2010-02-03T09:35:00.012-07:00

It’s my husband’s birthday today!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY! And for my husband’s birthday, I got flowers, dinner at a yummy upscale restaurant, a new IPod, and an Ina Garten cookbook (Barefoot in Paris – LOVE IT!).

Our week-long celebration of him began on Saturday. He was at a meeting Saturday morning before our celebration began, and when he came back home mid-morning, he walked through the door with flowers in arm. For me. Just to say, as he put it, how much he was looking forward to spending the evening alone with his wife. (swoon) We had my parents watch the kids while we went out to a wonderful upscale restaurant (which we reserve only for very special occasions, as this one was!). We enjoyed a leisurely dinner of beet salad, goat cheese and pine nuts with beef cheeks, haricot verts and pureed potatoes. Mmmmm! And for desert a warm chocolate torte – very enjoyable.

Also, I had been talking about wanting an IPod for awhile, so after his birthday dinner, my husband took me to the Apple Store and he showed me one he was eyeing for me. I loved it and so on his birthday celebration evening, he bought me an IPod. It was a wonderful night, just to be with my man, and to be able to focus only on each other.

And then..... over the weekend we got this coupon from Borders and we also had leftover money from a gift card, as well as money off their rewards point system. So my husband suggested we use all of that to go get a cookbook that I’ve wanted for awhile but have been waiting since its so expensive. With all the couponage that we had, we got the thing for half-off! Way to go husband!

So, you see, I did really well on my husband’s 35^th birthday!

This exemplifies just the kind of man I married. He is so kind and loving. He goes out of his way to make me feel special and safe. He knows me so completely, like no one ever has, and yet he unconditionally loves me still. And you should see him with our kids. He is an extremely involved father, loving on his kids every second he can, and they deeply adore him right back.

So here’s to the person I admire most in this world, to the person I love more than I could ever dream to verbalize, to the one I am so blessed to entrust myself and our kids to…. Happy Birthday, my love. We have a few surprises for you too and we can’t wait until you get home tonight so we can celebrate you!

the glory of a stay-at-home mom

2010-01-25T13:33:00.024-07:00

Before I was a stay-at-home mom/homemaker, I believed life, if I was at home full-time, would be so much more manageable and organized, the family well fed, the home more often clean than not, mail sorted, meals planned, laundry caught up, and life generally orderly. And then I became one.

Fueled by grandiose ideas and illusion, I've still spent a good deal of time trying to accomplish the aforesaid. Why, you may ask? That’s what I said!

The reality is, I've spent more time figuring out rather than implementing how and when to do grocery shopping for the week, how and when to get the laundry done, how to make the bed while my 11-month old opens drawers and pulls out underwear. And all the while the mail piles up for another day as my 4-year old clings to my leg with a low blood sugar meltdown begging for lunch because its been 5 hours since we last ate.

So…………

This is what I finally realized after four years of being a stay-at-home mom – IT DOESN’T MATTER. When my babies are grown I don’t want them to say, “Yeah, our mom was preoccupied and haggard, but boy she could take a mean pile of mail and sort the heck out of it.”

So I am making a conscious effort to lower my expectations of me, set realistic goals, and turn my gaze toward my kids.

I mean, who wants to be distracted from this?

Or would even think about missing a second of this?

So if you’ll excuse me for now, I’m going to go make a mess and I’m not even going to clean it up.

believe it

2010-01-20T12:36:00.004-07:00

I can't believe I only posted 4 times in 2009. I can't believe that its been almost 1 year since my baby girl was born. I can't believe that my baby boy isn't a baby anymore. I can't believe my husband finished 6 long years of seminary. I can't believe its so foggy outside that I can barely see across the street from my house. I can't believe a couple of weeks ago we had record breaking cold and now the ever elusive "they" are talking about temperatures in the 60's. I can't believe I can still hear my daughter awake when she was supposed to fall asleep for nap about 30 minutes ago. I can't believe I haven't heard a peep out of my 4 year old who is supposed to be playing quietly in his room for "downtime." I can't believe I'm gonna have to go check on the noisy one who's supposed to be quiet and the quiet one who's supposed to be noisy. I can't believe it may take me another whole year to post something else. Here's to hoping there's more posting in 2010!

we are well

2009-09-19T19:29:00.002-06:00

So much going on. I haven't abandoned altogether - maybe just a little bit for a little while. Kids are great, Kenny and I are great. We had a relaxing yet busy summer with so much going on. We have had an extraordinarily busy fall and I can't wait because this craziness will end with the semester and believe me - its crazy. We will possibly move, (we hope not) but it looks like a good probability, as we will go where God leads on the job front to some pastoral position somewhere in most likely the US. I haven't left forever and I always hope to post more often because there is always a lot to tell. But I'll have to see how that goes and plan on when things wind down (and they will) that I will keep everyone much better updated.

roles

2009-03-22T13:18:00.003-06:00

In anticipation of having more than one child I closely listened to other mothers who spoke of their different, but similar, transitions going from one to two. As a result I was bracing for total and utter chaos, temper tantrums, arguments, and attitude. But what I found was I had a newborn who slept most of the time and a 3-year old who processes a lot internally, and together they let mommy catch her breath and ease into the role of mother of two. Don't get me wrong. We've had moments. Sometimes long, brain-rattling moments. But for the most part I could not have asked for a better transition and for this I am extremely grateful.

As we've become a family of four, I see how my role has been solidified as the mothering caretaker who is there to pass out hugs, love, take care of the little lives and hold the family together (and also who is the eternal flow of food for the newborn). I love this, but somehow this has squeezed me into the you-are-not-the-fun-provider-but-rather-daddy-is role. This was painfully obvious two days ago when I sat to play trains with my son and he kept saying, "No, mommy, don't chug that train. You go pway trucks."
"What?! I want to play trains with YOU!"
"No, you can pway trucks - I pway with daddy when he gets home."
Bummer.
But later he got excited about something and ran in to tell me so I could be excited with him and give him a big hug and a kiss. And after that he bumped his hand on a toy and needed a kiss on the owie. And then he needed that cuddle time with mommy before bed as he quieted down from the day. And then there was that last pat, hug and kiss as he was tucked in for the night.

And then mommy stopped pouting and didn't mind not being the fun one.

sweet sleepiness

2009-03-17T12:52:00.004-06:00

At long last I feel I have enough blood running to my brain in order to put more than monosyllabic utterings to paper. Nine months of hormone surges, a huge mass of a person attached to my torso, and three weeks and counting of around the clock feedings have provided me with little quality sleep for a grand total of about 10 months! I'm just thankful I know my own name.

We are settling into life as a family of four, trying to figure out what our new normal looks and feels like. We are learning how to care for our newborn while loving our firstborn through this huge, disruptive transition in his little world. Kenny is trying to figure out how to juggle school, work, family and sleep deprivation. I am trying to figure out how to parent well while running on little sleep and juggling two all by myself during the days. I am not complaining - I actually couldn't be happier and I would not trade it for anything else in the whole world.

life

2009-01-19T16:20:00.005-07:00

I’m as big as a house. That just came out. That’s not at all what I was going to talk about.

My family is on the dawn of change. Major change. As that time draws near, I am trying to soak in things as they are. I am trying to capture every moment with my son that I can while it is just the two of us. I am trying to sit back and relax with my husband during the evenings while they remain uninterrupted by a baby that needs to eat. I would be sleeping through the night if my hormones would let me - so let’s just say I’m doing that as much as I can. I have scaled back my activities so I can focus on who and what matters most to me. I love our lives as they are. But I know even though I am fearful of change, soon our lives will be more blessed than I can imagine and more full and complete than I can anticipate.

Christmas has come and gone, New Year's hype is over, my son's big birthday party is complete, and now the next big event of the year in our lives is at our doorstep.

winding down

2008-12-31T11:53:00.009-07:00

We've had a wonderful holiday. It will culminate in our Romanian family traditional New Year's dinner tomorrow with my extended family. Our holiday began the Monday before Christmas when some special out of town visitors made their way back to the Midwest.

My brother and his wife somehow managed to escape the fierce weather in Seattle on a plane while enumerable others were stranded in the messy Northwest.

Ben loved hanging out with his uncle Michael - but it makes me sad that he can't experience that relationship consistently since miles and miles separate our busy lives. Everyday over the holiday Ben would ask if he was going to get to see his uncle that day. He also asked everyday for about 5 mornings in a row after Christmas if he was going to get to open presents that day.

His question wasn't altogether self-indulgent since we had occasion to open presents on Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and evening, and the day after Christmas. He was used to the surprises but quickly caught on that this was something special for only a few days. And having Uncle Michael and Aunt Susan in town was a quick something special too.

I am so excited for New Year's Eve tonight. We are doing the same thing we've done for the two previous years... STAYING HOME! I didn't know how much I would love doing it until we tried it a couple years ago. We make a special dinner, get a movie or plan something special at home for just us, make some (or buy some) special drinks. Last year I made this really yummy bourbon slush to go with our awesome steak dinner and movie. This year I won't be enjoying the wonderful Pinot Noir with our steak dinner like my husband will. I will instead indulge in Sparkling Blueberry Italian Soda from Trader Joe's. Don't get me wrong - its yummy but its no Pinot. There's always next year. :) I will leave you with a picture that captures the sweet temperament that is my son's.

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas season and will usher in the New Year tonight with all happiness and joy (and safety)!

nesting

2008-12-15T19:06:00.000-07:00

We have had an extremely busy weekend staying at home. That's right. We barely left our doorstep and yet managed to work non-stop and well into the evenings. Why? We have been switching our whole house around; moving the office downstairs, Ben's old room changing over into the baby girl's new room, old office now Ben's room, kitchen cabinets switched around to make room for bottles and other baby stuff, going through old baby clothes and pulling out the gender neutral or girly looking stuff... I have admittedly been a crazy woman who is mirroring mania by DSM-IV standards. I know its my nesting burst of energy before I can't stand for very long, sit for very long, lay in one position very long, and yet take V E R Y L O N G to simply move. I know I'm hitting the nesting period a little early this pregnancy, but I'm at home with my toddler who is excited about all the changes he is getting to experience too, which makes it all the more fun. He is now in his big boy bed! Granted, he falls out of it. But nonetheless, he is "in" the big bed. (note to self: get rails)

My sweet husband has worked so hard these past few days, doing all the manly stuff for me (heavy lifting, moving, etc.). He has been so sweet and supportive of my nesting - and by nesting I mean my crazy mania - even though its happening early and right before a very busy week for us (Christmas week). Well, my baby girl just decided to either or shove an elbow or a foot into my bladder, so its time for me to go... and by go, I mean, you know... go.

makes me smile

2008-12-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

It cracks me up that my son's favorite book to read while on the pot dropping a deuce is "My Daddy and Me."

He told me yesterday that I was a "sweet mama."

We were in a public and crowded bathroom Saturday while out shopping (because that's what I do all day now... no, not shop... pee) and I hauled my almost 3-year old, newly potty trained son with me in the stall. At midstream relief he said, "You're doing a great job, mommy!" I tried not to make eye contact with the people who were smiling at us as he confidently led the way out of the stall. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my great job and all... its just... well, you know.

I love it when I have these mature sounding conversations with my little guy. I ask him about something he's doing and he says, "Well actually, mommy, I'm..." (as he corrects what I've stated).

I love it that he can tell a difference when I'm in my usual comfortable sweats, tennis shoes, no make-up and ponytail to when I get dressed up. "You look beautiful, mommy," he'll say when I'm dressed up with make-up on. If I'm wearing something other than sweats during the week, he usually asks, "Where are we going, mommy?"

I love it that we can be watching cartoons together and he teases me. I was laying down with my head next to his lap and in my not yet fully awake state I realized he was putting Cheerios in my hair.

I love having a little guy - he is so much fun and I just love watching him grow and mature into this precious, silly, clever, fun boy. I am also so ecstatic that I'll get to experience raising a girl too. Yep, we are going to welcome a little girl into the world in the coming months! Ben is also excited, talking about how he is going to play with his baby sister and share his toys (I'll let you know how that turns out!) In the meantime, bring on the pink!

seasons

2008-11-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

Its dark and cloudy outside. Rainy and cold. It’s the kind of day that melancholy knocks at the window, begging for attention. As I look outside my window, I find the morning serene and beautiful. The weather today won’t keep me inside, watching from afar the death of the fruits and labor of spring. I’m going to step right in the middle of it and breathe it in deeply.

There is nothing like children to remind you how beautiful every day is, in and of itself. Ben will often ask on days like these, “Mommy, is it beautiful outside?” “Yes,” I’ll say. “It is beautiful today.”

The last few months have been extremely busy for me, giving me little time to reflect and finding only moments to ponder and connect the pieces and events of life together. The things that keep me busy during the fall are winding down for the holiday season and won’t pick back up until after. I hope to take these couple of months to spend more time sharing some of the wonderful and some of the more difficult things the past few months have brought. A season of reflection…

I want to teach my son to appreciate each season and day, finding the beauty and glory in them. Even in the most difficult and ugly of days, there is beauty to be found. There is a reflection of glory to be captured. If I want him to learn how to do this, do I not need to be exercising this myself? There is, indeed, beauty and glory in each day, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it.

has it been over a month? geez

2008-09-09T19:57:00.000-06:00

Where have I been? No, where have YOU been? Okay, you’re right, where have I been… Well, I’ve spent a lot of this summer laying around on my couch feeling like I wanted to puke all over it. I could hardly eat anything for almost 3 months and had to force food down my throat. Cleaning poopy diapers or removing turds from the potty chair about sent me over the edge into hurlville every. single. day. My poor husband had to hold down the fort and was a total champ the whole time. Why all the drama? Early this summer we found out baby #2 is on the way. We are excessively happy and now that I have energy and no nausea, I’m even happier! I still have somewhat of an odd meat aversion - what's up with that?

This summer, overall, has been a very, very good one (besides the whole constant desire to hurl thing). We were able to keep busy, see lots of friends, and just spend a lot of time together as a family. Now that September has arrived, we are back to our busy fall schedules and I couldn't be happier. Hopefully I will continue to have more energy and will be able to keep up with this blog a little better. (mmmk, dad and Kenny?) :)

past and present

2008-08-05T18:21:00.000-06:00

Last week Kenny took a few days off work and we spent much of that time doing out-of-the-ordinary, fun, family things. I loved it. We all loved it. One of the things we did was take the two-hour trek back to my college alma mater. Once we arrived, memories and nostalgia immediately flooded my mind. We decided to get out into the hot day and eat at a favorite pizza place not far off campus. After lunch, back in the car we went to do drive bys past all the places I lived and where I frequented during my time there. Its amazing how much things have changed while yet so much is still same. We ventured out a little on campus, but the day was excruciatingly hot, so we didn’t spend a lot of time doing that. But it was fun while it lasted. The whole time we were there, I found myself reflecting on all the fun and all the heartache, all the goofiness and all the seriousness, and all the hotspots and all the boring spots, and all the glory and all the shame. Its funny how one doesn’t really exist much without the other…

It was a lot of fun to go back there, but I realized even though I had mostly amazing memories and fun and funny reflections, I still had an aching emptiness as we passed all the old spots. I concluded that each time I visit there nowadays, there will always be holes and emptiness... right along side the fondness and joy. Funny how one doesn’t really exist much with out the other…

The emptiness is there because that town and every place I stepped and hung out will never be the same to me since missing now are all the people who made it what it was to me during those formative years. So many memories - so many people who played significant and major roles in making me who I am today. I love those people. I miss those people. I miss what that town used to be.

Late that afternoon, we finally headed out. Even though there was that ache of missing dear and wonderful friends who have deep parts of my heart, there was also great joy and peace as I was back in the car with my husband and my son, driving back home. To our home. With the two men whom I love more than I can say. I found that for me it was a healing experience to bring my present into my past a little since I can’t really escape bringing my past with me to my present.

no soup for you!

2008-07-20T19:54:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve just simply become overly sensitive since I’ve gotten older. Other times I wonder if the world missed their meds that morning. But mainly I wonder what the heck has crawled up society’s collective buttocks over the last 10 years that has made everyone so (bleeping) crabby! On any given day, I could easily give a play by play of the idiocy of the general public – especially those from whom I expect some semblance of customer service.

For example, I was recently at a new doctor’s office so I wasn’t immediately privy to how things went down at that particular office. So I did what anyone would have done - I went to the reception desk. As I moved closer looking directly at the woman behind the desk, while no one else was around but us, the receptionist continued to stare lifelessly at her computer screen. “Um, hello…” I said with a trace of question in my voice, “I have a 10:00 appointment for a-” “Sign in right over there,” she answered gruffly and pointing while barely looking up at me from behind her obviously very interesting computer screen. Afterall, not only do receptions receive patrons, they most importantly stare off purposelessly into computer screens, stacks of paper, and/or desk drawers. RUDE!

I could also tell the story of the crabby middle aged man whom we let go in front of us at the Bread Co. even though he was a complete ignoramus. But I won’t lest this turn utterly counterproductive. My point is, why does it seem that everyone is so mean to each other? It seems like everyone feels so entitled and everyone is so distracted by their own entitlement that no one really stops to care for anyone else anymore. If I wasn’t so crabby, I’d work really hard to do something to change it.

summertime

2008-07-09T21:45:00.000-06:00

Where has the time gone? We have been busy...

playing ball

playing trucks

taking naps

I'll have more to say later. Right now I have to go watch crappy summertime shows on TV.

its days like these

2008-06-19T12:49:00.000-06:00

Ben and I went with my grandma shopping this morning. It was a beautiful day. The sun was bright between the passing billows of clouds, and the temperature was unseasonably comfortable. As I helped my grandma in and out of the car, it struck me how different these days are than days past. I remember when she used to drive me to the malls and we would go shopping for hours. She would patiently wait for me to pick out whatever I wanted (I was and am still annoyingly indecisive). Today we couldn't walk that far because it hurts her too much. Getting in and out of the car isn't what it used to be. Its uncomfortably strange to experience the contrast of earlier days to now. Makes you think. We had great fun.

After our short trip to the mall we went back to my grandparents' home where my grandpa was merrily waiting and excitedly wobbled over to us for hugs and to wrap Ben up in his arms and play with him. I have the sweetest picture on my cell phone (I don't know how to get it off the phone onto here) of my grandpa reading to Ben who was relaxed as can be sitting on great-grandpa's lap. I knew my grandpa loved it. He ate it up.

Ben and I stuck around for lunch with them and then back home for nap (for Ben and mom). As I was going home I thought of how incredibly thankful I am for days like these where I get to hang with my 80+ something grandparents and my son, let them dote on their great grandson, let him adore them, and I drink in how sweet this time is. I truly cherish this in my heart. Its been a really good day.

checking in

2008-06-10T11:42:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to drop in and say hello. We are doing well, I am happy to say. We've had a lot going on and if you read my previous post, you know that is a VERY good thing for me. We had graduation parties, getting together with friends, going to local farms, birthday parties, baby showers, baseball games, Dave Matthews concert (it was wonderful - we are just getting over the depression that its over for us until next year), yard work, parks, etc. etc. I've especially loved anything we've done around the city or outdoors. That is what makes me feel alive and it is also what Ben loves to do - so that makes it easy. Yep, we are very well over here - and I hope you are well over there.

pondering

2008-06-02T12:38:00.001-06:00

“Seek happiness and you will never find it. Seek righteousness and you will find you are happy.” - Martin Lloyd-Jones

the blues

2008-06-01T18:47:00.000-06:00

There is something I fine utterly strange about myself. It actually sorta drives me a little nuts and doesn't make a lot of sense. So here it is; I find myself having more blah days in the summer than any other time of the year. I don’t fully understand this. I’ve never really been a person prone to blah-ness, but I’ve found it happening the past couple of years – but really only during the summer. When I was working full time, I never experienced the blahs, but since being a stay-at-home mom, I have. But really only during the summer. Strange, right? So I’ve spent time thinking about this, trying to understand. I have a few ideas. For one, things come to a screeching halt in the summer. I’m not someone who likes to halt. I like a lot going on. I thrive when I have a full plate. I don’t have a full plate in the summer. Everything that usually keeps me busy in the regular school year (yes, I still live by semesters) is done for three or so months. Staying busy helps keep me organized and orderly. When I don’t have much going on I find myself wasting more time doing nothing. This past week was one of those weeks. With Monday looming, I fear next week might be more of the same.

Here is some more weirdness - when my husband gets home from work, all is right with the world again and the blah isn't there. Weekends are also typically really wonderful. Not everyday is blah, it just gets blah if I have nothing going on for several days in a row. I find this all very strange. Don't most people like downtime and freedom to do whatever they want with all their time? And having that option in the summer? I guess I need balance - some work, some play, some schedule, some freedom. I'm concluding that too much of any one thing isn't good... even if that one thing is a good thing.

disclaimer

2008-05-29T18:33:00.000-06:00

I don’t mean to come across as one who over spiritualizes everything. However, as Kenny and I study theology and push toward vocational ministry that beckons us from the future with an ever nearer voice, God, and the things He is doing in our lives and in His creation are things that we think about. A LOT. I would even venture to say perhaps that it might be more than the average person. But given the specific call on our little family’s life, should anyone really be surprised? When I write in this blog about things that happen in our lives, or when I write about things I’m thinking about, I’ve realized there always seems to be an undertone or even overtone of spirituality. Instead of apologizing for it, I realized I need to embrace it because that’s who we are… that’s who I am. I am the kind of person who likes to dream about why things are the way they are. Why I’ve met the people I’ve met. Why I’ve had relationships that I’ve had. Why things happen the way they do. I know all have their purposes, and all, in one way or another, shape and mold me now as they always have. I want to look at the pieces of the puzzle and try to fit it together. I like to ponder what the grander scheme of God is that I can’t see from my perched position in the universe. What is He doing? Why does He allow certain things? I enjoy allowing my mind to wander and dream through possibilities and ponder connectivity. I really do approach much of life in this fashion. I didn’t realize this so much before I started a blog, but I more easily see that much of what I write reflects what I think about which is God, His creation, me and my family, and the implications of believing what I do and how it impacts the world for better or for worse.

I just needed to get that off my chest so that if you have any inclination to read this blog, you know exactly what your getting yourself into with continued posts. Ahhh. Okay. Carry on now. Thank you. Buh bye.

for your listening pleasure

2008-05-26T12:33:00.000-06:00

If you are looking for some new music for the summer, these two soundtracks are amazing. Take a listen and thumb through their songs. Each page has only a small sampling of the CD's - my favorite in this sample of Once is When Your Mind's Made Up and my favorite out of these choices from Into the Wild is Hard Sun. Kenny and I have really enjoyed listening to them. Our enjoyment of these CD's in no way overshadows our excitement for the upcoming Dave Matthews concert. We haven't seen them since '06, which is extremely odd since we've been to every concert in our city (and a few others) since we've been married. The countdown is on!

I am trying not to think about it too much because when I do, I get so excited, I can hardly stand it! If you have been to a DMB concert, you know exactly what I'm talking about - they are one of the greatest live bands ever. Definitely the best I've ever seen.

christian cheese

2008-05-24T12:37:00.000-06:00

These guys are hysterical. They call themselves, "God's Pottery." I first saw them this past week on Last Comic Standing where their whole act totally makes fun of powderpuff Christianity. And from my observations, the powderpuffy gunk is annoyingly extant today.

The act is really funny and I thought, sadly, this is probably what so much of the world thinks of us (Christians). Quack-bags full of fluff - and really, who could blame them for what they too often see of Christians?

But seriously, I've thought about what it is about Christians that can be so incredibly annoying to the watching world. I think one huge thing is Christians tend to answer people and their problems, as well as the world's by saying and thinking things like, "Just pray more." "Read the Bible more." "Give it to God." "If there is something wrong, you must not be really giving it to God or not praying enough, or hanging out with Christians enough." bla bla bla bla bla bla...

This isn't helpful at all. It doesn't even deal with any foundational truth. I'll write more on that later. But for now, I'm going to sit back and laugh. Laugh hard. There is a lot of comedy to be had in the truth.

feeling foggy

2008-05-19T20:09:00.000-06:00

I want to write. I’m not sure what to write. As I think about what I want to say here, I find myself in pensive silence. I know I’m going to sound dramatic, but I felt like starting up a blog was something I needed to do and I honestly don’t fully understand why. And now that I find myself with little to say, I really don’t understand it.

There is actually a lot to talk about. I had a phenomenal weekend with my little family. Kenny and I celebrated our 6-year wedding anniversary yesterday – we had so much fun celebrating it. We have all sorts of wonderful journeys and life lessons from those 6 years alone, not to mention the ones in this past year… in this past week even. We have exciting things going on in our lives. Lots on the horizon. We are both learning a lot and growing in specific areas that get us excited. I just feel uncomfortably vain and self-indulgent going into detail about it here. But isn’t that what a blog is? I’m confused. When the fog lifts and I’m able to understand what this thing is really supposed to be for me, I’ll let you know.

reflections

2008-05-14T17:04:00.000-06:00

No one told me that my child would be a little, lively, walking mirror where upon I gaze and behold my angst in all its glory. Yes, folks, its that time when I actually have to start watching what I say and what I do, watch how I behave and how I treat people, watch what gets me angry and what I do with that anger. I have this little sponge attached to my hip that soaks in every last bit of all that is me. He processes and produces. And let me tell you, I have not been reminded of this in moments of good, selfless, loving kindness.

It is funny to me that I am entrusted to teach this little guy how to interpret the world when I can barely do so myself. I never expected that I would welcome the refinement that comes into my life as I fix my eyes upon the mirror that my child delicately holds reflecting me. Isn't it ironic that enumerable times, he is the one teaching me?

crickets chirping and other things

2008-05-12T12:51:00.000-06:00

A couple of people I've seen and spoken with lately have asked why I haven't blogged recently. I promptly think to myself, "Well, I didn't know you were reading it to even miss it." But there are also some other reasons that are the case. I've had a hard time finding time or I haven't felt the inspiration to write about anything in particular. Also, this past week Ben has woken up early from his naps and then I never get around to posting for the rest of the day. Lastly, as cathartic as posting can be, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself. By the way, in case you are interested in helping me feel like I'm not talking to myself, I invite you to comment or interact. Don't be shy, you can leave anonymous comments... I'd never know who you are or where you're from.

On to other things.

I had a really nice Mother’s Day. I didn’t know if it would be the relaxing mom’s day that I hoped for since we had a lot of traveling to do, but it turned out to be really nice.

We went with my parents to their church on Mother’s Day. Afterwards we went to my mom and dad’s house for a yummy brunch. And after that, we went to Kenny's family (over an hour away). Yes - very busy, and in case you were wondering, we are rethinking how to do all the holidays.

I digress... My parents' church has such beautiful services and I love the teaching/preaching from their head pastor. As to be expected, his sermon had to do with mothers and parenting. He said so many things that resonated with my heart, but there was one in particular that stood out to me. He said, “we need to make it easy for our kids to do the right thing.”

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it for a bit. I know... its good stuff, right?

Part of training them “in the way they should go” (Proverbs 22:6) is correcting the wrong way and teaching the right. Making the right thing an easy thing to choose is the noble duty of parents. Another thing he talked about was just being present with your kids. Quality time is important, yes, but so is quantity... even though society tells us differently. How will we ever be able to impact our kids in any real way if we aren't around for much of their daily lives?

Lastly, the pastor prayed in end to his sermon and he asked God that He would help us to "bend our thoughts and will toward Him." I thought that was such a beautiful picture - bend my thoughts and will toward Him - not only for myself, but as a wife and for the healthy growth and nurture of my child. There is really no other way.

pictured are Ben and his good friend, Cora

spiritual fluff

2008-05-05T12:50:00.000-06:00

What does it mean to hear from God?

What does it look like for God to speak into your heart? Give you instruction? Provide direction?

These concepts have been weighing ever so heavily on my heart and I didn’t even understand the extent of it until recently. If I were to explain the whole process and why these questions have come to the forefront, this would be a much longer and involved post than it already is. I’ll spare you that. Maybe I’ll tell you about it the next time we meet.

The quick of it is I started asking the questions because I had been hearing different people in different situations say things like, “I heard the Lord say bla bla bla..." Or, “God told me yada yada yada…”

I wondered, “What do these people mean?” I know from being a Christian myself, and frequenting Christian circles, what these people do not mean. They do not mean they heard an audible, thunderous voice from above. So I asked, “What do they mean then? Are they talking about some verse in the Bible that seems to speak to something they are going through or a question they have? Is it a perception in one’s mind? A type of knowing in one’s heart? What is it?

If the former were true, it could be the case that the Word was being handled properly and applied well to a true life situation. Or, it could instead be the case, which has been my experience on more than one occassion, that the person could be pulling a verse in the Bible out of context and applying it to some obscure situation or question. The verse is rendered meaningless, as the original and intended teaching was stripped away. What you are left with is a new and wrong meaning used for self-edification rather than true, accurate teaching for God-glorification.

If the latter were true, it seems to me that what is really going on is that one’s mind is being informed by their own heart and conscience which may be informed and influenced by the Spirit - or maybe not. We have to remember we are still human and fallen from perfection even more than our own hearts can understand or know. So how can we trust ourselves fully and believe that what perception or knowing we experience is truly a right interpretation from the perfect God of the universe?

Let me be clear - I believe that God speaks today. I believe His Word, the Bible, is living and active, speaking into people's lives even now. I believe God uses people and situations in our lives everyday to carry out His purpose and teaching. I'm just not entirely convinced He is always speaking in the ways we think or that He is always saying the things we think He is.

The bottom line is this - we need to take care not to interpret our subjective human experience unfiltered through the objective truth of scripture. All must be tested against and filtered through the Word, and the Word, which is the final authority, must be handled accurately. When you boil it all down, afterall, it can be a matter of life and death.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” -Psalm 19:14

slacker

2008-04-30T13:01:00.000-06:00

Piles of laundry, piles of mail, empty refrigerator... Who wants to run errands and do work when its sunny and 70 degrees outside? Obviously not me.

oh yes they did

2008-04-28T12:01:00.000-06:00

I have a picture of my grandparents that was taken at their recent 60^th wedding anniversary party. Sixty years... impressive, eh? I told them I wanted a picture of them together on the couch. They made a production of getting situated on the couch and without saying a word to each other, yet in perfect unison they turned their heads away from each other and this was their pose.

They are the most unique couple I know. Its sort of like southern bell meets mad Romanian. Frank Costanaza meets Julia Sugarbaker. With these two you can expect the unexpected. I’m talking all kinds of brazen, unfiltered fun. Lest you doubt, for your reading pleasure, here are a few quotables from just one evening with my dear grandparents:

(my grandpa to my grandma)

“Honey, you’re looking terrible in your old age. But I love ya.”

“When you kiss an old woman you don’t kiss her lips you kiss her wrinkles cuz it all looks alike.”

My grandpa gave me a shoulder massage. I asked if I felt tense and he responded, “It is tight but I’m used to your grandma and she’s half dead, so….”

My grandma gives it right back in all her quick-witted glory.

These are only a few of the one-liners from the evening. I wasn't quick enough to write them all down. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we're in shock. Thanksgiving sure is interesting.

I love these two and they brightened what would have otherwise been a very long Saturday. Thank you grandparents!

good times

2008-04-26T12:41:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we went to Kenny’s hometown which is about an hour and a half southeast of here. It is surprising that even though his hometown isn’t far from the city at all, it still exemplifies heartland, small town country living.

We went there to hang out with family but also for those little suckers on the right. His family had been hunting for them for the past several days and we reaped the benefit.

These incredibly yummy mushrooms are called morels. I hadn’t heard of these until I married a country folk – its one of the perks. There are rather specific criteria to finding these little gems, and if you’re in the know, evidently you can find them around these parts too. The specificity is a little crazy though… for example, they grow for only a couple of weeks at the beginning of spring. You find them after a cool spring night after a little rain, around elms, preferably dead elms whose trunks have fallen to the ground, in a wooded area, near a river bed, facing north, standing on one foot, bending over touching the ground with your elbow, tongue hanging out, wearing Birkenstocks, etc. etc.

Last night we ate the mushrooms and lots more with the whole family out on my mother-in-law's screened in back porch. There was a cool spring breeze and the scent of pending rain. As it grew darker, a storm started rolling in. There is something beautifully appealing about being out in the country on a night like last night.

And then we went home. And it was good to be back.

Meme

2008-04-25T12:56:00.000-06:00

I have been tagged to do a meme by my friend, Becca. The rules are list 7 things that people may not know about me and then tag someone else.

1. I’m sure many know this already but I'll admit to it out loud anyway… my sense of humor is more stereotypically male. Kenny is more the clever type (which I actually find funny as well). I like to say or do completely off the wall things to get a reaction out of my husband. My son has the same humor. Kenny should be afraid. Very afraid.

2. When I'm around people I remember eye color, mannerisms typical to a person, and ideas people have.

3. Unless you point it out, I will very rarely if ever remember things like outfits, accessories, shoes or hair style.

4. Being landlocked in the good ole US of A drives me nuts. It tends to drive me more nuts in the spring and summer.

5. I want to try rock climbing. It looks like something I would love to do.

6. I think people whom one could categorize as “alternative” are really cool.

7. I miss my Nalgene bottle so much. I am totally sad I have had to part with it. I guess I don’t have to, but just in case I could be drinking toxic polycarbonate estrogen mimicking #7 plastic particles, I decided it better to refrain.

I tag a fellow new blogger... my friend Christy H.

Kenny + Amy = Ben

2008-04-21T12:59:00.000-06:00

Physical: he has my eye shape, mouth, skin tone and hair color. He has Kenny’s body, height, smile and profile. He has greenish/hazel eyes which are traits on both sides of the family.

Personality: He has Kenny’s sweet and kind personality, his perceptiveness, and giving heart. He has my sense of interpreting people and the surrounding environment and my sense of humor (poor Kenny).

Music: DMB (duh)

Temperment: He has my strength and Kenny's gentleness. He has my determination and Kenny's leadership.

Activity: He likes to help clean the house (me), fix things (Kenny), cook (me) make coffee (Kenny), he loves being outside (me) and trying things by himself (Kenny), he enjoys books and going to Borders (Kenny and me), he loves going to coffee shops (Kenny and me), and he loves music (Kenny and me).

Television choices: Other than Sesame Street he likes to watch poker (Kenny), cooking shows (me), Dave and Tim or Dave Matthew’s Band DVD’s (Kenny and me), and reality TV (me). Ben, however, is only allowed only to watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight but for mommy there are ~~no depths of low that won’t be plunged~~ I mean fewer constraints.

What a high calling and privilege to be entrusted with the task of shaping and molding another little human.

Interesting...

2008-04-18T12:51:00.000-06:00

Last night Kenny and I went to a discussion forum. The topic was, Are We Really Safe? We discussed whether or not we can truly guard against mishaps, disease, circumstance... Are our homes safe? Neighborhoods? Our lives? What makes a place or person truly safe? What and/or who do we put trust in to ensure safety? Is that trust well put? Can we really control who and what is safe? etc. etc.

Then this morning a little past 4:30 we had an earthquake large enough to rattle and shake our entire house.

Kinda freaky, wouldn't you say?

Dignity and Depravity

2008-04-17T12:21:00.000-06:00

Yesterday afternoon we were on the way home from Kenny’s work and as we got off the highway there was a disheveled and worn man at the exit. This was a strange sight because we don’t see that kind of thing in these parts. He was clearly out of place, wearing fatigues and a flannel - not appropriate for the 70 degree day. His forlorn face was unseasonably tanned and his eyes were penetrating. He had a sign that he flashed all passersby. Down On Luck, it read. He limped up and down the exit’s shoulder as new traffic became accessible.

Anytime I see this sort of thing I play this fantasy in my mind where I boldly go and speak life to that person whether it be in word or gesture. But in reality I just sit there. Keep him in my periphery. And I wonder, what hand was this guy dealt that brought him right here…right now?

I was snapped out of my fantasy as two officers walked in front of our car, in front of the car to the left of me and then over to this man. They were not rough, but immediately turned him around and began patting him down. Right there - in front of the whole line of cars. The light turned green and my saddened heart went on its way home with my adorable son and my beloved husband.

For safety reasons and simple logistics, I know we are told the best way to help someone like this is to point them to resources and not necessarily give money. But even hours later when I was at home this man stuck with me. It made my heart sad. I felt so sorry for the despair and, well, the brokenness of it all.

The situation made me think about how all of humanity bears the image of the Creator. Even this man. I went back through the file cabinet in my mind trying to recall things I learned years earlier in a Counseling course in grad school. I learned things like how I am called to discern dignity and depravity. I am to spend time in my day working against the effects of the fall… wherever I am, whatever the situation, with whatever equipment I’ve been divinely assigned at the time. All of man has a mix of glory and grief, beauty and brokenness, love and lust, sinned against and being a sinner. Francis Schaeffer called us a “glorious ruin.” Isn’t that so very true? So how do I usher redemptive truth, speaking and acting words and deeds of life in a situation like this? As I think about that I am immediately reminded of the dire importance that I be equipped at all times as a redeemed image bearer. I'm put here for a purpose... to discern the difference between dignity and depravity, to speak and act redemptively, to breath life as I have been given it, in every piece of fallnesses. What a tall order. Thank God I'm not left to my own strength and devices to accomplish it. We'd most certainly all be in trouble!

oops

2008-04-15T12:21:00.000-06:00

Fact: we live almost on top of our neighbors. Where our driveway ends, their lawn begins. Also, we have a monstrous slope to our driveway. It is so bad that when we first moved in I was scared to reverse down it because I felt like I was going to flip over backwards.

Fact: we’ve had flood inducing rain in the Midwest for several weeks. The neighbor’s sump pump shoots the flood waters out onto our driveway/edge of their lawn multiple times a day.

I knew it was bad when I was reversing down our driveway and my wheels were spinning but I wasn’t moving. Ben was shouting, "Awcate, mommy! Awcate!" (awcate = chocolate) pointing from his car seat to the driblets on the car windows.

Lovely.

My dear husband, with no complaints, would always faithfully go outside when he got home from work and repair my damage (did I mention I did this more than once?). He also went on my behalf to the neighbor's house and apologized for my complete disregard for the welfare of their sump pump soaked slush of a lawn. He protects me and takes such good care of me. He's my hero!

Father knows best

2008-04-14T09:02:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had a circumstance that you have prayed to come out a certain way and you just knew this particular way was good? Really good?
.............................
You know your desired outcome is pleasing to God. Have you ever known in your heart of hearts this is how it is meant to be? And all the universe seems to align with your mind's eye that this is the right way? No, the perfect way? You pray and feel the peace. You've read the Word and it seems to speak directly to your circumstance. Have you ever felt you've read the very words that affirm your determined outcome is the best scenario going?

The circumstance comes to pass. And it's turned out nothing like you thought it would - have you ever experienced that? From all appearances everything you thought to be accurate... isn't. Have you ever questioned that you ever even heard from God in the first place? Even though earlier on you knew that you knew that you knew? Yeah... me too.

Thankyouverymuch

2008-04-13T08:42:00.000-06:00

Do you even know the belaboring that went into deciding to do a blog? Whew, I've worn myself out. It goes something like this:

Am I an unrelenting narcissist?
--But I have something to say.

Do I really have anything intelligible to say?
--I have time enough to read many other blogs which trigger much thought and desire to interact, and yes, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

But does anyone really care what you have to say?
--Does it really matter what anyone else thinks?

Then why am I doing this anyway?
--I love to write, I love to share, I love to think, I want to interact...

What if I don't want to do it anymore and this is out there forever? Then what?
--Then I can just stop... and delete.

What about stalkers?
--I used to be a mental health social worker, do I really need to be concerned about this now?

And on it goes. With much encouragement from my husband to just do it already, I have decided to take the leap. Now I am very excited to be here.

I'll take a bow for myself right now because I finally did it. Thankyouverymuch.